I have talked about depression for awhile. I think most people don't truly know what depression really is even if they have it until they know they do infact have it.
I hear the voices in my head (and not like a crazy person) constantly telling me I am worthless, your so called friends are just using you, they don't really care about you, congrats you got some new followers they really don't care about you though, you failed just give up no one would care.
Now logic dictates that someone would care. Taking everything in and looking back on the past 10 years of my life realize that I have failed. Every thing I have put my heart into has failed. 10 years no 11 years I have done nothing with my life. People wonder why numbers upset me when it comes to youtube. It is because in my life it is the closest thing to a win I have ever had. November 5th 2015 I obtain level 29 and maybe 5 people will care and show up.
So I have failed, I feel worthless and while my heart tells me people care, my brain says other wise.
You know the small things in life are the ones that really bite you. It has been nearly 3 years since I have had a hug and I would keep going with this but well yeah.
I may have failed, but I just can't give up yet. (Note because I am reading this again as I am going, this is not like I am going to kill myself kinda quitting I am talking about. I am refering to well maybe killing Falcon77 as a persona and no longer doing youtube ect ect.) I still still have met a few people who encourage me when I am down. Sophie and Kira thank you. Both of you are willing to take the time to try and cheer me up when everyone else doesn't see or doesn't care.
I got into youtube to fill the void in my heart. The void was a mixture of love, wanting to teach and entertain others The first has had a bit of filling added. The rest though. idk.
I completely understand what you're talking about with the "hearing voices" in your head because I hear them all the time. It's been a very tough road for me to actually be able to ignore them. But sometimes I can't and they end up punching me in the face. A lot of people don't understand depression. It pisses me off when people tell me "you have to move on; it'll get better soon; you should get help" That's not how it works. I don't think they quite understand what it's like to be stuck in a hole that you can't climb out of and there's nobody there to help you out. And I realized that the only person that is going to help me is myself. That's why I work out. It's a great distraction and it has helped me so much. I try to work out every day and the days when i don't, I end up getting those thoughts again and it sucks.
ReplyDeleteWhatever you do, don't give up. I had thought about giving up so many times before (I even tried to kill myself last year) but I just pushed forwards (even though I still feel like a failure sometimes). I'm glad that I didn't give up, that I stayed in college and graduated. Yesterday I actually received my provisional nursing license which means I'm almost there (now if only I could stop being lazy). I know that you'll get there soon and reach your dreams. Just don't give up and keep going.
Just remember that I'm always here if you need someone to talk to. I'm not good at giving advice but I'm a good listener. I consider you a dear friend and it hurts to see you this way <3