Voice

I have talked about depression for awhile. I think most people don't truly know what depression really is even if they have it until they know they do infact have it.

I hear the voices in my head (and not like a crazy person) constantly telling me I am worthless, your so called friends are just using you, they don't really care about you, congrats you got some new followers they really don't care about you though, you  failed just give up no one would care.

Now logic dictates that someone would care. Taking everything in and looking back on the past 10 years of my life realize that I have failed. Every thing I have put my heart into has failed. 10 years no 11 years I have done nothing with my life. People wonder why numbers upset me when it comes to youtube. It is because in my life it is the closest thing to a win I have ever had. November 5th 2015 I obtain level 29 and maybe 5 people will care and show up.

So I have failed, I feel worthless and while my heart tells me people care, my brain says other wise.

You know the small things in life are the ones that really bite you. It has been nearly 3 years since I have had a hug and I would keep going with this but well yeah.

I may have failed, but I just can't give up yet. (Note because I am reading this again as I am going, this is not like I am going to kill myself kinda quitting I am talking about. I am refering to well maybe killing Falcon77 as a persona and no longer doing youtube ect ect.) I still still have met a few people who encourage me when I am down. Sophie and Kira thank you. Both of you are willing to take the time to try and cheer me up when everyone else doesn't see or doesn't care.

I got into youtube to fill the void in my heart. The void was a mixture of love, wanting to teach and entertain others The first has had a bit of filling added. The rest though. idk.

Asking for Reweets and stuff

Hello, 

Long time no see eh. My random thoughts have flowed around for awhile now without actually being put to text so I thought hey maybe I should do that thing. So here we are.

The topic today is lame, but it drove me here so. I hate asking people for stuff. Especially when it comes to things like Retweets and stuff like that. It makes my skin crawl and my heart sink to beg for help, but what option is there when you are small. I have been small for 3 years now. My viewership is a small group of people with a much larger subscriber base who no longer exist. So I have to beg to get people to share my work. I try just tweeting to people, but then they just favorite it. It leaves less of a sore spot to be like hey here is the thing I did. 

Favorites I feel are nothing any more. We favorite stuff all the time for no reason. They have no real meaning. I use to not do them unless I really liked something. Now at most it is a signal of acknowledgement. Hey I saw this. Don't take it the wrong way I am favoriting you being sick and having your leg cut off or you lost your house and are going to be homeless. 

So I ask for people to retweet. Hi-Rez, a few pro players who I support and would hope that maybe they would care enough to show a bit of support as well. Some do, but most don't. 

Much like having to ask people to follow the channel, share the video, and toss a like on it. It drains me of emotion  every time I have to say that. Why should I have to ask people to do things that should be a natural thought. Oh this guy put hours into something. Like, favorite, and I am a bit more judgmental with sharing unless it is someone I really support because i don't want to spam people. Same with retweeting. If someone tags me in something they did I retweet. If someone posts they are streaming I normally retweet it or if they put a video out I retweet it. Even though my twitter following is so small I feel if I can get one person to support someone else I have done something good. 

Inclosing

I hate asking for anything. It sucks that I have to do so, but we all got to beg at some point I guess. It is shameful, but damn what else can we do. 

Will ~ Falcon777 ~ Prinnylord of the Fraking Universe.